Throughout this book, I was struck and a little humbled by Wang's insight into her condition.
In my own life, I rarely speak about my condition (bipolar) except in a weak attempt to apologise for my fragility. Or to make amends for any disturbing behaviour.
I have long felt the pressure to frame my needs and feelings as passing inconveniences. I might suggest that I am unable to see someone because I am depressed and then take pains to make up for this when I am well again. Or I apologise for the state of my home, explain that I was too tired to clean.
I very rarely discuss my mania, except to say that it provides me with a great resource of energy and ideas. Except, that's a misleading abstract and says nothing of the frenzy of it all. I still apologise after a high spell, asking that they forgive my bluntness, my lack of focus, or my egotism.
I don't talk about the experience itself. Rarely even to myself. I tend to merely pull away from the world when I'm suffering either polarity. So that is definitely something I will be addressing and I recognise great courage in the writer that they have nurtured that amount of awareness.
This is absolutely NOT an easy read. If you have a mental health condition, I implore you to take each essay one at a time and over the course of many weeks. It was unsettling.
The style is elegant and descriptive. Esmé manages to drop you into a weird space of observation, you're not in the delusion but you are connected to it in a discourse that has a very tangible impact. It incubates understanding in a marvellous way.
Not long before the end, it got a little wishy-washy for me. A little new age. Nothing wrong with things that help and I've felt that pull myself. The desire to find some cosmic explanations. But I personally find no lasting solace in it. And it's an indication I use to help me work out if I'm growing a bit loopy. Again, personally. It has nothing to do with the author's perspective. It's just me.
Anyway. I'm going to have to take some time to rebalance myself after this. I do encourage you to read this one, especially if you're not really familiar with mental health as it puts a spotlight on suffering in a way that is really visceral.
The tone of the writing is a little cold and distant. It's almost academic but has this disconnected sense of familiarity which I found a little difficult to enjoy. Despite that, I feel that this collection is an effervescent and illuminating insight into contemporary views of mental health.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
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